blueeyesblazing

I posted in jest on ER about this new stage in my awakening that's hit, but I am actually a little frightened.

More of my frustration can be articulated thusly. Ioften feel as if I'm the only one trying at life, trying to notice faults and then improve them, while it looks to me like others are finding greater rewards, like those dates I'm always going on about. Most people are married by now. Some of the marriages actually stay together too. Intelectually, I know people have it worse off, and I know many people are trying and probably don't have a whole lot more than me, in sime cases, not even in the relationship department, but that isn't how it seems.

I'm going ot make another journal. This one doesn't feel like me anymore. I will let you guys know and post a link.

it's just occured to me that I've been ranting in my livejournal (and ER) about how functional I am... That likely indicates a problem on my part, probably an indication of  snobbery originated in my inability to deal with normal people normally. I wonder if I ow people an apology.

There is a person I used to hang around online who was just nuts, not for unusual spiritual beliefs but because of the terrible way she treated people. After I got clear of her and got my whits about me, I ran into other people who reported having similar experiences. She has a YouTube channel. I've watched a fair ammount of her videos... She says some wild stuff.... I's like reading my journal, though this stuff is unfiltered meantal pooping, not a put together video. I see her assoiciating with other members of the human race as though they considered her an equal. Why? Why not me?

Chaos. I'm beginning to graps the concept.

I was born totally blind. I am beginning to understand that I am a child of darkness.

There are two spiders in my head, one male, one female.

I went and asked for advice on how to find a date in ER, and I regret doing so. I only find myself more and more discouraged and am coming to believe I should off myself due to my complete incapability to relate to people. I understand the key messages that I get, that I'm not wanted and that I am not as important or valid as "normal" people, even though people don't have a consistent (or even coherent, in some cases) definition of normal, and people's attempts to become normal often leaves them emotionally stunded,, unhappy and unprincipled. I'm very confused by the goings on around me, especially by the double standards.

LULZ My astral body is total fail. I have two extra vestigial legs, and I do feel elfy. *sighs* It's funny as hell though because I'm sure wome one who saw me would see a pretty humorous sight.

I'm upset with my headspace though. I did an inner temple mediation tonight because today has been all kinds of weird... I went for the gusto and walked into the dark feminine blackness I talk with. She, from what I understand, is part of me. On the up side, she did suggest I make a black bowl like I thought about making myself (a ritual object). Also, she said that, as some point, I'd essentially court her. O.K. Sounds like something some one might do with the shadow self, the higher self, the subconious, the inner goddess or something else. The mediation kind of ell apart when she started telling me I'm a "Drow" though. lol I wasn't going to stand there and believe anythng. *sighs* I noticed a pattern I have of having problems getting at the real truth.What's most dstracting, is there seems to be a barrier between myself and the deepr trance staate. I plow through it and mediate anyway, but there always seems to be something trying ot wake me up at that particular point.

Well, fuck. I'm disappointed w/ how this turned out.

The lesson of the day is still patience, and it has been for the past few weeks. I'd rather the lesson be chocolate cake.

Spider... If it ain't a totem at this point, I don't know what is. As I understand it, if I pursue this route, I will become what ammounts to a spider therian. It's stuff like this that makes me think much of otherkin has nothing to do with distinct past lives.

Also, it turns out I may not be any sort of elf, dark or light. Seems I may have just been feeling about in the dark for my totem for all these years...

Spider exress itself as male and female, though female does most of the talking. She's been very talkitive today. It's odd how she was so quiet for so long then just started.

Her opinion of D&D, Drow and how I stumbled upon Spider, it's inconsequncial. I'm here, and I may need pictures and stories as a means to handle certain ideas. That's fine. It's also fine if I let go of limmitations. Either way.

The fun part? I feel like I am turning into a spider (I figure because something just clicked), and my mom hates spiders. LOL So Spider carries lessons for her too and may likely end up doing that through me. LULZ Is it just me, or dies that seems planned.

It's funny to "hear" her speak of her "children"...

I can't rattle off everything she's decided to tell me today... It'd take fucking hours! She told me she'd communicate with me through complex lines of molecules arraged in specific ways. Sounds like fun.

I indulged in a guilty pleasure I've not partaken of in quite some time, and that is fnding and reading the journal of a person I don't like. Of course, I posted nothing to her and will think naught of her but to hope she sorts things out for herself and leaver her to it. Let crazy ass rabid utterly dysfuntional raving lunitics lie.

I used to chuckle and use it as sort of a therapy. If I'm the only kook in the otherkin community who isn't a kook (not the case, btw), so be it. I at least have enough sense to think that the unfiltered ravings of my journal may not be literal... I at least have the sense not to run around picking fights and then posting 20 page long entries about what a wreched victim I am...

But tonight, I reflected a bit... There is, I will admit, an element I miss. I miss the sense of adventure... A certain few seem to be really convinced of a fantastical story involving real space aliens, magic, gateways and all sorts of political intrigue. Sure, my personal mythology involves space aliens. Hell, it involved a group of young space aliens who started out, were formed energetically, on another planet and spent their formitive decades being socialized and trained for specific purpses. It was choolhouse Another Fucking Planet. We were energy beings, wights of that landscape, training under supervison to become people who'd perform some rather down and dirty missions throught and between any incrnations. Many of us incarnated as elves, very tied to the land... And I suspect we did it here on Earth, perhaps in its formitive stages. We might have been something like the first major batch of wights. From there, we did eventually icarnate as humans, but we often stuck with other types of creatures, and many of us somehow managed to show up as things that were of mixed vibration, like half elf half human. By now, our energetic bags are so mixed, individually, it's really a crap shoot as to what we are exactly. We're people, energy, souls... whatever. If we fit anywhere at this point, it might be inside a rock or outside the rock and the funny human hugging the damn thing.


My personal mythology has so much more, even some humor.

But ya know, I have this understanding that, while it may be literal, it might simply be my crative imagination. The human mind a a wonderful story teller. It might be a fake way to understand real thoughts and feeling I carry. It may be some strange old familia agroge I've tapped into. Anything's possible.

But I miss their sense of adventure, the sense that came from being dumb enough to think of it all as literal and true and generally playing games in the astral plane.... Heck, we really did work with energy and read one another, though the readings, I suspect, weren't too reliable. But it was fun and, at the time, meaningful to me. I guess what I'm saying is that it wasn't all bad, and there are parts I miss.

And yet, my "true form" (whatever that means) has black skin, sometimes talons and sometimes phantome cloathing. lol Sometimes the cloathghing olds weaponds, blades, no fire arms or explosives. Wy? Who in the fuck is going ot get me? lol Might be me being defensive and expressing that in my "astral body" as its often called. Seems this form lends itself to defense... Psychic self defense has been a theme in my life.

Speaking of which, I keep getting these insane urges to go out and spar. I have no fighting skill irl accept anything that may be left over from some martial arts I took when I was a kid... meaning... nothing is left over. lol On a similar note, I miss those adventure dreams I used ot have. Many of them played like role playing games or animes, all very fun. I'd often wake up feeling like I'd been somewhere, sometimes even wore out in a strange way. Perhaps if I state my will to myself enough, I can go back ot having those things. :)

I still feel like there is a fire inside me. Whenever I close my eyes, I see fire inside me and sometimes other things, all red. Forexabmple, I often see red candles lit.

I'm trying to approach this with self honesty and a certain level of courage, but I am a little afraid... I can't help but wonder if Loki is writing his name on me w/ a cosmic sharpy... I kinda thought Thor would be the one to do that.

Or perhaps this a cleansing? Perhaps I'm being remade? I'm really fucking confused.